It went like this

They don’t mean anything to me

What don’t?

Reviews

Oh Really?!

Well bad OR good ones, what matters is: our customer like us.

Ooh ..Right. So…You don’t care at all?

Nuh, I mean why would I? They either like us or they don’t. In this business there are just too many other stresses, you can’t start worrying about what every bloated well lubricated scribe is going to write about you. Its best just to ignore them completely, like my old head chef used to say: ‘Fuck them and fuck them too’

I don’t think that’s very helpful. I mean why antagonise them? Anyway didn’t your old chef lose all his Chefs Helmets in the guide?

Yes but that’s was HIS point! Just because he took his eye off the ball just once, they nailed him for it. A career of twenty years, gone, whoosh! Just like that.

Yes but he did..

What!

Well he did cook drunk on more than one occasion.

A man can have a couple.

And smoking a lit joint during service is never a good look.

That was prescribed medication; you know from a doctor, everyone knew he had a nervous tick.

It wasn’t the ‘Tick’ we all knew about but it certainly rhymes with ‘Tick’. Those poor waitresses at the Tribunal Hearing could practically draw it from memory such was the frequency in which it appeared.

Yes yes yes but what has that got to do with his COOKING?

Well, it does kinda amount to someone that has lost the plot a bit surely?

Maybe, or maybe they were just out to scalp him? A bloke with e rep like that, well bringing him down could make your name if you were a middling reviewer couldn’t it? A bit of notoriety, instant fear into the hearts of chefs and restaurant owners everywhere. I mean, that’s what happened, almost overnight. Everyone was saying there goes that bloke that shit-canned Rufus McGinty, wiped him of his Chefs Helmets! Fuck that, not for me. I’ve banned all of ‘em from coming in.

So..you’d ignore them if you got a good review?

Absolutely!

Really? A part of you wouldn’t be happy?

Nuh.

I find that a little hard to believe quite frankly.

Oh Yeah?! We have pictures of all the cities so-called restaurant reviewers so all the floor staff can identify ‘em and then we boot ‘em out.

Really? You kick them out? Has this ever happened?

Yea a few months back when that Bob Downes bloke came in, Fausto ID-ed him at the salad bar an asked him to leave tout sweet.

No!

Yep and out he went, hopefully never to return.

Whistles-Gee you are fair dinkum aren’t you?!

Yep. Seriously I could not care less, they mean nothing to me

Mobile phone rings (the Macarena)

Clears throat, ‘Hello, this is Lance Sterling’

Is this Lance Sterling, of the Hound and Hound’s-tooth?

Speaking

Catches eyes of companion and rolls eyes skyward whilst making internationally recognised hand motion for ‘wanker’

We are pleased to announce you have achieved One Helmut rating in the new guide and your invitation to the gala dinner is in the mail.

Silence

Hello, Mt Sterling, are you there

Yes, I’m here.

You must be very happy

I’m…speechless really

Laughs, that often happens, see you at the dinner-hangs up

Looking at the phone-We got a chefs helmet!

Hmm, you really told them didn’t you?

Well what could I say?

You could've said ‘No thanks’ especially after that whole palaver about 'not caring'

But it’s a Chefs Helmut, they don’t just give them away, you have to earn it.

Yes but what about all that ‘I don’t care’ bizzo?

Yes I know, but that was then.

What do you mean?

I didn’t have a helmet then but now I do, things have changed.

Exasperated-How have they changed?

Oh be quiet, you’re always whining! Just because you don’t have a helmet doesn’t mean you should dis-respect the institution that is the Guide

I can’t believe this?!

Go on, buzz off and take your petty jealousies with you