"Hello consumers out there, this is Mr Ease. You already know who I am though, don’t you? I’m the comforting voice of reason in a world full of worry.
I’m broadcasting from the warm-as-toast studios of General Foods Inc. where our motto is: ‘we take the home out of home-cooked meals’
Are you tired of being bullied by Jamie, Nigella, Hugh and a host of other minor celebrities pontificating about what you should eat and how you should eat it, all the while lining their own pockets with dosh along the way? When did eating become so fraught? It’s time my friends to send a message to these Bullies and let them know how we feel!
I can almost hear you shivering there with your damp kindling in the wood-stove, your crotchet fingers trembling with the matches. Why do you make life so hard for yourselves when we can make life a whole lot easier? We are living in a developed world, we don’t need to make all our food, we have machines and less fortunate people to do this for us.
Besides, aren’t you tired of being the odd one out? Always reading the labels, searching for some conspiracy theory that doesn’t exist? Do you waste valuable time trudging to these so-called farmers markets, picking over mangy vegies that was probably handled by some unwashed person? Does it seem all too hard to be constantly on the lookout for these small producers that seem hell bent on making gathering food for dinner as hard as possible? Are your kids embarrassed that their school lunches aren’t like everyone else’s? Why punish them for your own misguided beliefs? Studies show that children are most as ease when conforming to their peers.
You’ve got to ask yourself: Are you damaging your children with these foolish food choices?
In this day and age it seems ludicrous to spend all your time and energy growing, making, sourcing, baking, curing, pickling and cooking, especially when life is so short. Wouldn’t you rather be watching TV, reading a product catalogue or buying items online? Imagine all that free time you’ll enjoy?
Say goodbye to dirty hands, cold morning harvesting, late night watering, confusing and intimidating recipes and hello to opening a jar, snipping the top off the packet and just heat and stir.
We’ve taken the hassle out of food so you can enjoy the rest of your life and whats so bad about that?
Why must we always feel guilt just because we enjoy certain foods?
Do you ever wondered why your neighbours look so satisfied all the time? Look over the fence. Do you see rows of vegetables and fruit trees enslaving them? no you don’t. Are their days and nights spent pickling olives, baking bread or making biscuits? No they are spending quality time together on their PC’s, I-pods and TV’s. This is what life is meant to be, not following some false prophet with fake promises of fulfilment.
Put away your Fowlers Vacola, your yoghurt maker and your soaking legumes. Throw away that bread maker, toss the coffee beans into the bin and ditch that hard to pronounce rare-breed meat.
It’s time to re-claim your life, say NO to doing things the hard way and embrace the modern
way, the General Foods Inc. way.
‘I don’t know where to start’, I hear you lament. Look it’s easy just take small steps like these:
It’s always more expensive to buy these so-called artisan foods
It’s not healthy to be part of some elitist club, cheap food should be available to everyone
Try to plan meals around what is advertised on TV during prime time
Eat in front of the TV to keep informed about new products
Give the large Food restaurants a go, they are fast and convenient
Remember when shopping at the supermarket, packaging is there for a reason-to protect you
High sugar, salt and energy giving foods are what we are hard-wired to enjoy so why deprive ourselves?
Can you trust some shaggy unwashed person with your diet? Or worse your children’s diet?
Canned and packaged foods are your guarantee of consistency and reliability
So called ‘fresh-foods’ simply do not last very long and cost you more in the long run
So there you have it, some little reminders to help you and your family get back on message.
Until next time this is Mr Ease, signing off and remember, ‘If it doesn’t come from a packet or tin, it’s better off in the bin".