Unicorn meat-the facts

 

Ancient wall carvings prove that unicorn meat was revered and consumed by ancient cultures

There has been much-hand wringing of late on the ethics of eating meat and the push for consuming a sustainable diet. Imagine my surprise when I stumbled upon a new producer here in Tasmania who is producing the most unique protein for the table that I have ever heard of. Apparently though, it has been consumed for thousands of years.

The magical valley of Eeeryhthablayd

Unicorn. That’s right unicorn. Thought they were extinct didn’t you? Well here in this magical valley just minutes from Huon sur la Mar in Tasmania’s fertile south and tended by former Goldman Sachs chairman and now Grand Wizard of Eeeryhthablayd, Bertram St Hubbins is what I believe is the worlds’ first fully sustainable, organic unicorn farm and abattoir.

Bertram St Hubbins AKA The Wizard of Eeeryhthablayd and former Goldman Sachs chairman

‘The science and magic behind a diet rich in unicorn meat is one of the healthiest known to faeries, elves, dwarves and hobbits and now humans can benefit too’, said Wizard St Hubbins. ‘They are friendly, placid creatures, easy on the eye and mighty tasty when grilled over hot coals and served with Chimichanga sauce’.

the Wizards favourite sauce brand

this break-down of cuts shows the unicorns wide appeal

Wizard St Hubbins will do cut-ups and delivers straight to your door free of charge within the shire of Eeeryhthablayd.

two of the looming players to slug it out for unicorn share

‘Sadly, the big supermarkets have already been sniffing around. In fact some bloke who looked like that Curtis Stone rocked up last weekend wearing a hooded cape. He was accompanied by a hunched-over, whiskered old-hag who I recognized straight away as that Dawn French. I knew they were fakes as his short sword was made from balsa wood and witch’s never look that haggard, they really overdid her make-up"

 Ms French pleading with bemused customers that she' s"not just doing this for the loot, she loves unicorn meat"

Curtis pictured with his favourite ingredient-Moolah!

A group of dedicated unicorn eaters

Either way, it seems unicorn meat is finally available for humans seeking a little bit of guilt-free, meat consumption with a little bit of magic.

a platter of grilled unicorn at Dimitri's Middle-Earth Greek Taverna (there's one everywheree innit?)