Friday, December 09, 2011

13 Questions for Huon sur la Mer's own celebrity chef

Chad St Hubbins, sorry ladies, he's accounted for.

Every week the Huon sur la Mer Chronicle asks prominent townsfolk a few questions. This week its Chad St Hubbins, Chief Cookie and Bottle washer at the Huon sur la Mer RSL and great Grandson of one of the founding fathers of this thriving village, Huxtable St Hubbins.

Favourite ingredient
Easy, bread crumbs, or Cotton-seed oil, it’s a toss-up

Most embarrassing pantry item
I once had a supplier drop me off a fresh free-range chicken for my own use. I was incredulous. Finally I had to say something.
“What will I do with this that the Coles or Woollies Chicken –bar could not do better!” I get so fatigued by ‘opening-the-eyes’ to these suppliers. It’s a thankless task much of the time and the words of my mentor Reuben Stanislavski ring in my ears to this day: “Chad! This fresh food thing will blow over. Let’s sit tight and wait till the packet and convenience foods take over.” God bless him.

Who would you invite to dinner?
A toughie. Boonie MUST is there as he’s teetotal now so there’ll be more piss to sink. Next it would be Lara Bingle, she’s a lot smarter than most people think, just check out Celebrity Apprentice if you don’t believe me. If I could resurrect the dead, Big Kev would have to get a Guernsey, what he did for Aussie cleaning products is inspirational, what a Patriot! Well if I have mastered the art of raising the dead I couldn't’t leave Brocky out could I? I would be a total hypocrite to the $1500 Brock sticker across the rear window of my VH SS Brock Commodore.
This might be controversial but Kyle Sandilands because he’s not afraid to say what he thinks or ask the big questions like: Who would win in a bitch-fight? Nicky Webster Vs Deni Hines
Finally my last guest would be my year eight Home Ec teacher Beryl Von Stoole to whom I would say: ‘How do you like THAT lasagne!

Your greatest culinary influence
Tearfully I recall meals that my grandma used to make us as kids. She would hunt, gather, glean, distill, ferment, preserve, hang, age and smoke. These are crafts that are not known by the generation of today. Little wonder! Everything took so freakin’ long to cook we were always starving so that bloke who invented Maggie Two Minute noodles was a life saver and a legend!

The next big thing
Without a doubt-Pizza in a can-Franchises are available

What are you reading right now?
The latest Loyalty Rewards Program catalogue from the Dry-goods multinational- Can you believe for ordering seven tonnes of Patagonian Tooth fish in batter over the year, I can get two years worth of personalised Tooth-picks AND their Caddies!?

Your favourite film
I love documentaries and it has to be the documentary made about a documentary team following The Swansea Hotels kitchen hand, Brad Caruthers, ‘The making of, THE MAKING OF A KITCHENHAND, currently screening on the West Coast community network 2AM TO 3AM every third Sunday morning in the month.

Your favourite TV Show
It’s a toss up between Worlds Funniest Famines or Sundays with Laurie Oakes.

Biggest celebrity you’ve cooked for
That’s easy. Shane Warne’s official Toupee Mechanic’s personal assistant from Advanced Hair Studios-it was thrilling! I still recall his gererous tip of a couple of vouchers to 'Celebrity Midget-Lookalikes on Ice" at the Derwent Entertainment Centre and his parting words: "Three Crownies to-go, tops-off like the Gridlock-Girls at the Surfers GP!"

Foodie cause you get behind.
These days when our food security is becoming a hot topic, I’m not scared to ask the difficult questions like: “Does pre-prepared batter HAVE to have that yellow colouring, it looks TOO fake?” Or “What’ the difference if I cook the lamb Shanks or we buy ‘em in already cooked?” and finally: “The fish is FRESHLY-FROZEN mate not Frozen, there’s a difference!

Most embarrassing kitchen disaster
I pride myself on my professionalism so when the day arrived that we mixed up the pre-prepared Steak Jus, with the Chicken gravy and the Fruity Game sauce I was very upset as we make about 30 other sauces from these three derivatives. Happily for us the punters seemed not to notice even though we have 279 different meals on the menu. Disaster averted, thank you Maggie.

Your greatest achievement
I know it’s a cliché but I believe children are the future. My seven legitimate kids and their cousins all understand good food. In fact they all know only to order the wings on a certain day at the local Chicken-Shop as that’s the last day that they are OK. Having inside knowledge here really helps.

What would you like to be remembered for?
The fact that I always offered crumbed or battered options on my home menu for the family on a menu even though it’s a path less trod.

Footnote-Sadly Chad has left the Huon sur la Mer RSL and is now in Geraldton WA working as a 'Crumbing-Technician' for All-Kitchens=Low-Com, a subsidiary of Mining Technologies Inc.


Anonymous said...

so what you,re saying is; you're everything that he's not. this is the sort of dross that happens when a blog stops being a discussion and just turns into exhibitionism. you're awesome.

Anonymous said...

Very funny again Steve I do enjoy these flights of fancy of yours

Anonymous said...

I happen to enjoy steve's exhibitionism first anon and whats to discuss? Clearly it's an ironic bit of prose which seems too difficult for you to comprehend?

steve said...

Anon one-you didn't like my post? Somehow I'll get over the disappointment.

Hello Anon two! Thanks for reading!

G'day Anon three-glad you 'got it'!

Vineyard Paul said...

Three Anon's walk into a bar....

ut si said...

I actually was sent a questionaire recently by a journo from a government hospitality mag with most of these questions! Plus "If you were one of the seven dwarves, which one would you be?" Easy, the Fuck Off & Stop Asking Me Stupid Questions dwarf.

Tanya said...

I thought the post was a great laugh...till I read Vineyard Paul and ut si comments...and then I roared!