Some things haven’t changed since I wrote this three years ago. No I'm not getting lazy just re-issuing back copy to new readers!To avoid some traps for young players I feel compelled to offer some advice observed from way too many hours in the rough & tumble of profession kitchens.
Chefs & how to spot them in their natural habitat
Points are given (out of ten) for each species that you may have inhabiting your kitchen, a low score is excellent, a high score should have the alarm bells ringing.
The Pedigreed Slouch, also know as The Know –all, or Mr Europe: First thing that you notice is its casual air of superiority. Its C.V. is a long & littered with all the right names. Once working it makes repeated & ill timed references to previous methods in other, better kitchens. Like some sort of defense mechanism, the Slouch will, when under the pump, start a frenzied monologue of how things were done at Le Manoir Quat Saisons whilst getting deeper & deeper in the shit. Usually this ends with the Slouch being rescued by an apprentice & then promptly walking out shamefaced.
Score 8The Meringue Chef: This one is easy to spot. When the inevitable mayo, custard etc is being made usually to test it out, The Meringue Chef will proudly display its plumage. It starts by asking anyone within hearing distance, especially apprentices, ‘What do you do with the egg whites?’ When the customary answer of ‘Oh, just chuck ‘em out’ is heard, the M.C. ‘Tut, Tuts’ loudly & then follows with, ‘What about making a meringue, or something?’ At this point anyone hearing this must give it every egg white in the building & let it make meringue. This will last until the M.C. learns that everyone else is about to go on a break except it. This scenario lasts for about two days when the M.C. either morphs into a common garden variety chef or leaves.
Score 7The Burn-Out: Usually lean, wiry & slump shouldered with recessed bulging eyes ringed by dark black lines, five day growth bristling over skin of a deathly grey pallor. Its uniforms are usually grimy, jaundiced & putrid smelling. The Burn Out infects all who come in contact with it with the fetid aroma of defeat, malice & cynicism. Should anyone thus be infected, remove them immediately from the kitchen & make them watch chirpy Jamie Oliver videos.
Score 9The Job-Hopper: Can be confusing to spot as initially it can appear to be an incredible find. Sadly cracks start to appear usually when you are busy/short staffed/under pressure etc. the Job Hopper will take offence very quickly & start to find fault with the position & or business & once it digs up a nugget of justification, whoosh! It’s off1
Score 5The Gold Nugget or the more common Garden Variety Chef. These are EXTREMELY RARE. Once spotted it is to be protected at all costs. It will always understand you, be there in the tough as well as the good times, work hard & has the best demeanor. Importantly they have a real passion & talent for cooking & are genuinley interested in what they do. They make up for all the other
species short comings.
Score 0The Hack, also once known as The Cowboy: It has the potential to do irreversible damage your kitchen. From the smallest of tasks, The Hack has a way to cut even the sharpest of corners. It will never set up adequately, order properly, execute the dishes as intended or keep the place clean. It has learned a cunning & canny way of saying what Owners want to hear in order to stay in the shadows. It usually gets found out when the other chefs tired of carrying it, revolt in a nasty show of solidarity.
Score 9The Eager-Beaver: It is like a breath of fresh air. Always chipper & enthusiastic, the Eager-Beaver has an at times manic display of good cheer. This can be a little disconcerting & wear you down at times but its sunny presence in the kitchen balances the scales nicely.
Score 2The Calamity Jane: This species is quite tricky to uncover. Firstly it busies itself with making itself indispensable, as if making a nest. Then when securely embedded it reveals its true self. It starts by asking for time off due to an unforeseeable event. Then moves on to leaving early on a regular basis because of a crisis at home. Just when this behavior becomes intolerable it has a major calamity requiring yet more time off. Whilst you are sympathetic, the excuses become more & more fantastic until it no longer resembles what you had originally employed.
Score 7
The Substance abuser: This species can actually cut the mustard which makes it even more disappointing that they frequently let the side down. Often when they are needed most, say a busy night, will be the exact time it chooses to get Munted the night before. Like a sixth sense the Substance Abuser has an innate ability to determine when they are needed the most before succumbing to a drug fuelled bender.
Score 9The Bully: Foul tempered & nasty, The Bully stomps around generally miserable in any environment. It loves to bait & attack waiters. It has to be constantly monitored & another person must always be present when observing it to witness its frequent tirades of belligerence. Probably the nastiest of then entire species & to be avoided at all costs.
Score 9The Rock Star: Works at all the new hip places, knows all the movers & shakers in the industry, the photographers & the foodie journos. Never last long in any kitchen as it has a tendency to avoid any kind of kitchen work at all costs. It is sharply dressed, well kitted out with all the right hand forged knives but sadly never lives up to its hype. The culinary equivalent of 'The difficult second album syndrome'.Score 7The Mad Proffesor: Always wanting to add a foam this or an emulsion that especially to a recognizable dish like bacon & eggs. Does not know when to leave food alone. Always tinkering with dishes & adding things that frankly will not go together. Gets super annoyed when its overwrought & overwhelmingly intricate specials get overlooked by customers just wanting a nice steak please.Score 6The Jamie Wannabe or the Ben O Donahue minor: Come into kitchens with the specific aim to become a celebrity chef at all costs. Actually its surprising to see them in a kitchen at all as they are usually found at casting calls for the next reality TV cooking show, ready to sob at a moments notice & plea to stay on to fulfill their dream of becoming a celebrity, I mean chefScore 5The Provenance monk-Can be tricky as they will not cook anything that has come from beyond a self imposed radius of their kitchen. This could be difficult should their kitchen be located in any CBD. Note* the smaller the radius the more hard core they appear to be. Score 5
The chef farmer: Like its above cousin, it will bore everyone to death by recounting how it saved a rare breed from extinction, made its own mangy smallgoods, grew its own edible weeds from seed & hand churned its own butter from milk from its own cow. They are deluded in thinking that this stuff has never been done before. Yawn. Score 5
The Owners relative-very dangerous these. Will observe every move you make, copy every recipe you write & report it all back to the owner. When they feel they have gleaned enough information to get rid of you & save a bucket load of cash in your wage, you'll be summoned hence forth. If they show up at all, its best to gather your things & move on . score 10
If your kitchen has an average score of 6 & above I’m afraid you are out of you depth & must seek immediate help or you might already be in the throes of despair.
Should your score fall between 3 & 5 you are on the right track but work is still needed to help spot potential hazards in the future.
If you have attained a mark of 2 or below, you are a skilled chef watcher, a true master & are sitting comfortably, knowing everything is under control in your kitchen.
